Guilt Imperative

                                     

Guilt Imperative

The story of a daughter who did not have the love of her parents in her destiny

I was supposed to meet my boyfriend, Jack, at the Wyvern Theater at eight, but that's when I entered with bated breath.

  The man in my mind was the man with white hair wearing a long leather coat, the man who had been following me for the past five minutes. And at that time also he had entered there behind me. 

I quickly entered the waiting room. I saw my face in the mirror. My face was turning white like a corpse. My hands were trembling and my hair was hanging on my face from getting wet in the rain. 

 looked at the clock, it was five minutes to eight and at that time I could get my demeanor right and go back to the lobby. Jack will be there and life will go back to normal once again.

We'll watch the show, and he'll drop me off at my apartment. And after two months we will get married. But someone inside me was saying that all this will not happen like this. 

The man in the leather coat following me was my father, who had returned after six years of wandering God knows where. My father whose one sin ruined my childhood and now his sudden arrival has put my happy life in danger.

When I reached the lobby, Jack was waiting for me. I tried my best to control myself, but Jack's fiery eyes knew at once.

 "What's the matter, you are trembling like a leaf?"

Then I saw my father at the door. He was coming towards us.

 "Hurry up," I said, grabbing Jack's arm and pulling him. "Let's go inside."

  Jack didn't even move from his place. "What's the matter?" he asked again. "You look changed."

"That man," I said pointing. "He's following me through the restaurant. I'm scared."

"Wait a minute," said Jack with a stern frown. He left me there and walked towards my father, 

"Why are you following my fiancee? What do you want?"

Dad hesitated for a moment.

 "I'm sorry, I didn't know she was engaged. This is my daughter Lara."

I stood behind them. 

"You must have made a mistake." I myself was surprised at my cold tone.

"It's been a long time since my father died."

Daddy's face turned shocked. He turned and slowly walked out. I breathed a sigh of relief.

"He knew your name," said Jack.

"I'm not feeling well, Jack. Would you mind if we didn't watch the show?"

Jack did not increase the matter. "Better as you say, my love." 

The return journey was a nightmare for me. What would I tell Jack? I wanted to tell Jack. Marry me now and take me somewhere far away. Let the past destroy us before this. But I could not say.

 I could not tell Jack whatever I told him about my past. It is just a story. A lie I told to hide the truth. So that I can start life afresh. What would he think of me? Will he ever be able to trust me again? All the way I kept trying to divert my thoughts toward the future. About which we had made plans together.

But there was only one thing on my mind my father is in this city. He is looking for me. And he will erase all these stories that I have created. All I could think about was the past. Allenton's school and that little house were moving in front of my eyes. Where I used to live .

 Mother's face appeared before my eyes. Her lips were pursed so tightly that they looked like a line. Then the father's face emerged. Not today's one. The face of a person who loves the past and works hard.

There was no closeness between my parents. Daddy lived in a world of his own, tolerating mom's anger and silence. I was like my father. I also found it easy to tolerate my mother's anger silently. 

When my mother was angry with me, daddy used to sit silently and when I used to vent my anger in my room crying, daddy would come secretly and start consoling me.

 "Don't cry, your mother is not bad at heart." And then he would start telling me a story. So that I forget my mother's scolding.

When I entered the eighth grade, Dad was made vice principal of the school, and that was the year I met Doris Croft. She was the oldest in the class, I think she was fifteen. I still see her walking through the corridors of the school. She never used to walk fast, but used to walk slowly swinging her hips. There was a sense of knowing a lot in her eyes.

   I still remember the way she entered the classroom. Sitting on her seat, she would flick her red hair back and take out the mirror to examine her lipstick.

Doris was a problem for teachers. They could not understand what to say to her. All of us kids talked about her in whispers and laughed. Though we didn't know much about her except that she has a lot of siblings. And she lives in that old population of the city where we can't even think of going. Her father is a laborer. 

Doris was very attractive to boys. They would whistle at her and invite her to walk out with them. Which she never accepted. I never talked to her. Even one day she herself came to me. It was lunch break and I was standing on the fence of the playground. With a smile on Her lips, she said in a friendly manner, "Hello." I was shocked.

Like other girls, I used to talk a lot about her, but now I have forgotten everything. Doris was a very mysterious girl and knew a lot about the world. Came to be friends with me.

"You used to play softball every day after lunch."

 Looking at the girls playing on the field, she said,

 "I was late for lunch today." She shrugged and said,

 "I'm not athletic. It is better to dance than to run around in the sun.”

 I immediately agreed with her. Then she invited me to drink soda at Walls after school time. It was an old medicine shop where we girls were not allowed to go. 

But at that time I was so happy to have Doris's attention that I did not feel any objection. When we got there, a group of high school boys was already there. 

They all already knew Doris. Her bold way of talking to the boys, calmly accepting the offered cigarette, and lighting a cigarette with them, all these things impressed me a lot. When we moved towards a table, a boy was following us. Doris said to the boy, "Don't follow us." The boy hesitated and went back.

"They're all children," she said, curling her lips hatefully. "I like men."

She was an incredibly amazing girl and I desperately wanted to be as popular and confident as her.

"Your daddy is very handsome." She said suddenly.

 I was surprised. I never thought about my father's looks.

"How did he become a teacher?" she asked. "I mean it's not his type."

"I wonder myself. But what type do you think he is?" I asked.

"I don't know... I think about it often," she said, breaking the end of her cigarette. 

Then she asked me with a laugh, "What kind of soda would I like to drink?"

  After that, I often met Doris. We eat meals together. We would still see each other after school. Her forbidden type of talk opened a whole new world to me. I used to be surprised to hear the things she used to say about men.

one day she said. "All men are the same. If a girl is a little smart, she can get them all out. They are all the same."

 I couldn't believe her words. My father's example was there, I did not understand that he could lose his mind in front of any girl. He was not interested in anything in the world except maths and studies. One afternoon she offered to go to my house.

 "I am in no hurry to go home. My father's mood is very bad these days and he keeps on throwing things."

I was taken aback for a moment. I can't think of any excuse.

Doris was the kind of friend I didn't want Mom to know about. But nothing could happen now. I took her home. Luckily no one was present at home at that time. Doris opened the radio and started spinning the needle until she found a station that was playing dance music. 

Taking steps in the style of dance, she started dancing here and there in the room. "I love this tune." she looked at me with half-open eyes. "Don't you like it?"

"It's really a beautiful song," I said. "I wish I could dance like you too?"

"I'll teach you," she said. "Stand here and watch me."

And then mother entered. I knew without looking back that she was standing at the door. I got stuck and did the intro. 

But the mother remained silent in her place. After I had done the intro, mother went ahead and switched off the radio. 

"Lara," She said sternly. "Please help me with the household chores. Mother went upstairs clutching her feet.

I was in a state of shame but Doris just laughed. "Don't care," she said. "Before this also I have been evicted from different houses."

"Ohh no Doris," I said in a weak voice. "do not think so."

"What time does your father come home?" she asked casually.

"About five o'clock," I replied.

"I'll sit outside on the porch. I'll leave after a while." 

I went upstairs scared but mom just said she'll talk to me after dad comes. She asked me to cut vegetables and set the table.

When father came home, I was in the dining room. I looked through the window. Doris went ahead to see the father. She was talking quickly.

I noticed that she put her hand on daddy's arm and looked into his face in a strangely alluring manner. When daddy entered, he talked to me absent-mindedly and then went to read the newspaper.

"There's a girl at your school, Doris Croft." said the mother.

"Do you know her?"

Daddy said, "I don't know much about her."

"Don't know much." shouted the mother.

 "The one who puts on make-up? And has weird hairdos." Mom took a deep breath.

 "Your daughter brought that little witch home today."

"I have put a lot of emphasis on the right upbringing of my daughter. But when the father himself does not care what kind of people his daughter lives with then...."

"Mary," said Dad. "What's wrong with this girl?"

  Mother's anger skyrocketed at this sentence from father. She lashed out at the school authorities, who admit girls without even seeing them. And if the dad allows his girl to mix with such girls then he is not fit for this job. I can't remember half of my mother's words now. Just remember that I was looking at dad's face carefully.

His eyes were blurred. I was in a bad condition and I was thinking, I don't know whether Doris will ever talk to me again or not.

I didn't have to worry too much about it. The other day she came to me in the field of play with triumphant anticipation.

"I can't see you this afternoon." She informed me.

 "I'm going on a date with your dad."

My mouth fell open.

"Hey, not that date, he will explain maths to me."

I breathed a sigh of relief, but I was still in awe.

"You don't know anything about men, do you?" she said laughing.

 Doris was trying to plant things in my mind that I didn't like.

As the days passed by, my friendship with dad became less and less. He seemed changed to me. And this change was terrifying me. 

Does he really tutor Doris in maths? I wonder what kind of relationship they have.

Maybe a week later I was walking around school with similar concerns in mind. I passed in front of daddy's office many times but didn't dare to go inside. I was wandering aimlessly in the playground.

 And then I saw them both leaving the school. Doris held onto daddy's arm. Father opened the car door and helped her to sit and then they both left. 

When I reached home, I was feeling sick.

I told my mother that I had a headache and went to my room and lay down. My ears were glued to daddy's voice and I was confused by the thoughts running through my mind. Daddy returned home at half past six.

And then suddenly he stopped teaching Doris and she started ignoring me. Something must have happened. My mind was thinking Finally one day after school I followed her.

 "Doris listen to me."

She said while backing away impatiently. " Leave me alone. "

"Doris," I pleaded.

"Doris." She mimicked me, flicking her hair.

 "You are a bored girl. When will you get your sense?" 

I stood there in shock watching her go away.

Life was back to normal now. There was no longer the same warmth in the behavior of my old friends. And in Doris too, it was not the same thing as before. She still had self-confidence. 

But now there is no smile on her lips like before. Her eyes looked big and deep. And one day she fell unconscious in the corridor. She was taken to the first aid room and two hours later the news spread like a bombshell.

A girl had overheard the nurse talking to Doris, and within minutes word had spread throughout the school.

My tongue was dumbfounded with shock. I knew that Doris was the oldest of us and a little wild. But I never thought she was that bad. I was in a state of trance the whole day.

  A child... I kept thinking. But whose?

  After reaching home, I spoke very little to my mother and opened my books, and started doing homework. Just then two men, one of whom was a policeman and the other was a battered man wearing a black old coat. appeared at the door. 

The policeman asked about the father. Mother said coldly that he is not at home.

"I'm sorry about that, ma'am," the little man said to my mother in a hoarse voice.

"I am the father of Doris. I suppose you must have heard what trouble my little daughter is in."

"I don't know anything about your daughter and her troubles," said the mother curtly.

 "What do you mean?"

"You will know." said the man.

 "My poor daughter, she looks big but she is a child, just a small child." 

Mother wanted to close the door.

"I don't like to hear such things. Please leave."

But the policeman stuck his foot in the door and shook his head and said,

 "I'm sorry, but we are waiting for your husband. There is a serious charge against him."

I took a deep breath.

 "I assume your daughter knows about this incident." Doris' father said. And opened the whole door and entered the dining room. The whole school knows about this incident and before today the poor girl could not tell anyone out of fear what her good teacher had done to her.

I felt my breath stop. He was moving towards me in a creepy way and then mom screamed.

"Lara go up, go up.”

And I ran towards my room as if someone was following me. Falling on the bed in my room I mumbled with sobs.

  My father My father... I can't stand it. I couldn't believe it when Doris said that all men are the same. But she proved it by proving it. I don't know when my father came back and when the police took him away. 

When I came out of my room at night, there was silence like a graveyard at home. Mother was sitting motionless like a statue in the drawing room. Then she spoke in a hollow voice.

 "I've always suspected that."

And then suddenly she got up. Turned on the light and searched every single thing of daddy's in the house and set it on fire. "From now on no one will mention his name in the house. Got it?" 

I just shook my head. I wish she would have wrapped me in her arms and loved me at that time, but she was always cold and at this point, she was a complete stranger.

 Daddy was released because of no witnesses and no evidence. People were angry with this decision. They said that Doris belongs to the lower class, so this type of verdict has been given. Daddy tried hard to see me after the trial. But on the insistence of the mother, I refused every time. A new vice principal had come to the school in place of daddy. It was very painful for me to go to school but on the insistence of my mother, I had to go.

 Everyone, there was looking at me with kind eyes. My mother got a job and became very quiet and I used to pray for death. But my prayer was not accepted. And I spent three years in that town. At the age of sixteen, terrible events began to cast a shadow over my life. Maybe because I had done very well in school that year. I thought I should get rid of the past. I will leave this town and start my life afresh. 

I didn't feel any emotion in my heart for my mother. I knew she would be happier without me. Because my presence reminded her of the man she had married.

   I left that house on Monday morning after my mother went to work. And in a letter to my mother, I told my small point of view.

 I chose Greensburg to build a new home. Maybe because I didn't have the fare to go beyond that. I spent the first year doing small jobs. I changed my family name and enrolled in a night school. Because I could not get a good job without a diploma. 

After my diploma, I got a job in a flower shop. The place was relaxing and beautiful and the pay was good too. Now I had moved out of my old room and taken an apartment in the most beautiful part of the city.

 I bought very good books and records. And when I met Jack, my happiness reached its peak. My shop was not far from the university. And university students often used to come there. I used to enjoy talking to them. They used to try to tease and flirt with me.

Jack also came up with a similar group. Although he was not involved in the mischief of others. He just stood there smiling lightly while the other boys were busy making comments. After they left, I kept thinking about Jack, and when I looked back, he was back at the counter.

"I came to thank you for helping us pick the flowers." "I don't think you'll be bothered by what the boys are saying.

"It's okay," I said quietly. "I'm used to it."

"I notice that your clients often invite you to walk for tea," he said.

"Yes often, but of course, I never accept this invitation."

"Obviously," he shook his head,

 "But if someone really wants to know about you, and there isn't even a Combine friend who can perform that duty, what should that person do," said Jack.

  I went to work to hide my nervousness and then smiled and spoke. 

"Don't know. I think that would be a problem."

I went home that night and thought about it for a long time. The other day he came into the shop alone and when I turned to him he said,

  "I am not in a position to come to your shop every day to buy flowers."

 And if I keep buying flowers every day just so you can get to know me, I might have to leave my studies. I think you will not be able to bear this burden on your conscience."

I laughed and surrendered. And thus began our friendship which blossomed into deep love. Whenever Jack asked about my family, I would tell him a lie.

 I never realized that there was no place for lies in a relationship of love.

  And then one night I thought of my mother. My life had become very happy. That's why I wrote a letter to my mother to tell her that your only daughter is very happy.

 But her letter, which came a week later, put an end to my happiness. She used to say that girls who run away from home can never be happy.

Will Jack agree to marry me even after knowing about my past? I tore the letter and threw it away. 

And repeatedly assured me that whatever my father did, I had nothing to do with it. After two weeks I saw my father. At first glance, I could not recognize him. and proceeded to talk to him like any other customer. 

But when he said "Lara." So I was shocked.

 "You have grown so much Lara," he said softly. I was standing in a state of shock.

"I'm not a ghost, am I?" He said, smiling uncertainly. I ran to the room behind the shop. I had given Jack an appointment. When ten minutes were left to meet him, I picked up my purse and coat.

and exited through the back door. This precaution went in vain. Daddy stood right in front of me

.

"Lara. Listen to me. I've been lonely for a long time. But I couldn't stand the loneliness and went home last week, but it's not like home anymore. Your mom gave me your address."

 But I was not able to hear or understand any of his words at that time. I had only one desire in my heart that I should run away from here and Jack would never know about my past.

"I'm getting late. Let me go." I said.

 When daddy took a step back, I hurriedly left. His voice was coming from behind. 

"Wait Lara, listen to me." Like a scared child, I reached the cinema hall. 

Daddy followed me to the cinema hall and Jack warned him to stop following me. I refused to recognize my father.

And when Jack was going to drop me off at my apartment, I remembered everything from the past. On reaching my apartment, I felt a little better. Jack made me coffee and turned on the radio. 

And then came the cold voice of the newsreader. A man said to be Bill Carter has been seriously injured in a traffic accident on Grand Street. Eyewitnesses say that he was walking like a blind. I jumped up from my place uncontrollably.

 I was crying out loud. I felt Jack's heavy hand on my shoulder.

 "I hated him." But I don't want that. I couldn't even imagine that." I was crying out in hysteria.

"What are you trying to say, after all?"

"Did you see his eyes?" I said hiccuping.

 When I said that my father is dead... But I didn't know, he would take so much influence."

"The man that was following you was your father?" Jack said softly.

"Yeah." I said, and Jack pulled me away so suddenly that I nearly fell.

  Now there was no option but to tell the truth. I bowed my head and told him about my past one by one.

"But the court found your father not guilty." He spoke softly.

"But the whole town thought him a criminal," I said.

"What proof did they have?" Jack said hurriedly.

"My mother divorced him, the school threw him out. People don't treat an innocent man like that.

Let me tell you for your information. said Jack.

 "That's exactly what people do."

Then he got up and called the hospital and said lifting his coat.

  "He needs blood. I am going to the hospital. Maybe my blood can be of use to him. Even after he left, I sat in my seat for a long time praying for human life.

I didn't go to work the next day. Jack came at eleven o'clock and said throwing his coat on the chair.

"Your father will be saved but what do you care?"

Why? Why don't I care Am I fond of hurting someone?"

  "But you did hurt." He said softly. You refused to accept him as your father… He wanted to forget the injustice of the past and start his life afresh. 

He thought that there exists only one person in the world who would be waiting for him. He thought you must be waiting for him. I talked to him this morning."

I took a deep breath. "I think he must have convinced you of his innocence. Who confesses his crime?"

   " But did you ever think that maybe your mother was not normal? She was a cold-blooded woman. She saw the evil in everyone.

 And did you ever think that Doris Croft was not a girl of good character? She always tried to seduce your father.”

"But Jack, why do you believe a one-sided story? He might be lying."

"I'll find out." Jack said, "Will you come with me?"

"Me," I asked like an idiot.

"Yes, you who do not believe your father and me also."

  Now there was no choice but to go. I had to return to the town I never wanted to go to. We went there in Jack's car. Doris's family had left their home and gone somewhere. But Jack had found out their address by asking people in a few days. 

It was an old bungalow. A child was playing outside on the lawn. Doris opened the door. I was surprised. Her hair had lost its beautiful color. She looked much older than her age. 

"What do you guys want?" She asked suspiciously.

Jack barged in. "We want to talk a little." Doris was furious and pretended that she didn't recognize me.

Jack immediately started talking about the point.

"Miss Croft, a few years ago you accused a man, Bill Carter, of a crime you knew he didn't commit. And you knew very well that you would ruin his life by making that accusation? "

"It's a lie," she screamed.

 "Who are you?" Then I spoke.

"You know very well who I am. Please tell us that my father is innocent."

"He was the culprit." she chirped. Everything I said at that time was true."

  "You're lying," said Jack.

"What benefit will this lie give you after all these years? Carter was not the father of your child, you know it very well."

"It doesn't matter what you say. And I don't like to hear that kind of talk in my house." She said pointing to the door.

"Doris please tell us the truth. You have no idea how much I've been through." I cried.

She looked me up and down and spoke with a distorted face. "I didn't like you then, and I don't like you now. And does your mother still bite like that?"

"What's the matter, you didn't like Mrs. Carter?" Jack caught her.

"I hated her attitude," she said hatefully.

"That's why you dragged her husband," Jack said.

Doris went mad with anger.

"Go away from here." She ordered. Jack moved closer to her and spoke confidently.

"I don't want to be harsh, but I have methods that will force you to tell the truth."

"For example?" she muttered.

"For example, the case was dismissed for insufficient evidence. Because your story was not proven to be true."

"But my story didn't even turn out to be a lie, what difference does it make?”

“This could also have happened if Carter's lawyer had presented his arguments. But you'll remember that Carter's stand was not presented to the jury.

  If he desires, the case may be reopened today, and I shall compel him. How would you like this trial after so many years?"

Doris's complexion turned pale. "He won't do that. He will suffer as much as I will."

"He lost his home, job, wife, and daughter. Now he has nothing to lose. So I would suggest him to hire a lawyer." Jack said and gestured me to leave.

"No, wait," Doris screamed. "Suppose I tell you the reality, then what will happen?"

"The only thing that matters to us is that Lara finds out that her father was innocent and then we will forget everything.”

"Well, he was innocent," said Doris. 

I shudder. That thing that ruined our lives was just a lie?

"Didn't you realize how you were treating a gentleman? Why did you do that?"

There were many reasons. She said tremblingly. My father would have killed me. If he comes to know that this is the work of one of my boyfriends and Lara's father was a gentleman and I have nothing to do with him. 

That's why I took his name. Second, I wanted to teach Lara's grumpy mother a lesson."

   I closed my eyes. I had heaviness in my chest. "Daddy, forgive me," I said in my heart.

"Come on Lara," said Jack. And I opened my tongue for the first time when we passed several miles from the town.

 "When you were not with us, but now it seems as if you were always with us."

Jack parked the car on the side of the busy highway and lit a cigarette and said.

 "Sometimes we believe before knowing the truth. Remember, I said about trust. God is trusted only, but his servants are also trusted." But till today I was living without faith.

"What shall I say to daddy now?" I asked Jack. 

"Your father knows how to forgive even after suffering so much."

I looked at Jack. His eyes were full of love and trust as always. I buried my face in his chest regardless of the people. And thought that after today, I will never hurt anyone's trust nor will I insult anyone.

 I said the same thing to dad when we reached the hospital. Jack took me to the hospital but stayed down and sent me to Daddy's ward. There were many people there at that time. I wanted to speak but not even a word came out of my mouth. Daddy extended his frail hand to me which I held warmly. Then I bowed down and loved him. "I'm so sorry. "

"Enough," Daddy said, ruffling my hair. "I know you didn't mean it. You're my sweet baby girl."

Now I am married to Jack. Daddy also lives with us. He has started teaching again. But now he is taking more interest than maths, in that little guest whose arrival is expected in the spring. I wish he is a boy and just like daddy.

                                                       THE END